Someone says or does something that triggers a difficult feeling for you. You naturally want to then have a conversation with that person and reconcile the matter so you no longer have to experience that difficult feeling.
Communication and working on our relationships is a very good thing to be doing for sure. Yet, there is a very important step we must take BEFORE we approach the other person who triggered our difficult feeling so we can have a conversation with them.
This very important step is that we must OWN THE FEELING FIRST – 100%.
By “owning” the feeling I mean that we alone must take responsibility for the feeling. After all, it is inside of us not them. We can hold others accountable for their actions, deeds and words when appropriate and necessary, but we will do best to not hold them accountable for how we feel about it. That is a HUGE difference.
It is this one dynamic right here that lies in the heart of all difficult dynamics in human relationships and interactions. When we hold someone accountable for how we feel about what they did, and we also hold them accountable for what they did, it gets very tangled and messy. This always results in the problems being amplified as everything spins down into a dark vicious cycle that can be very difficult to get out of.
However, when we “own” our feelings first and get clear of them, then we are in an excellent place of clarity and power whereby we can hold the person accountable for their actions, deeds and words from a place of love, caring and compassion. From this platform of consciousness we will not be motivated by anger, revenge or blame. We will only be motivated by our desire to help the other person step into a deeper healing place and to become more self-aware.
We will also have a much greater ability to know when it is even appropriate to hold someone else accountable for what they did or said. Many times once we are clear it no longer matters and the other person makes the shift with us and forgets the whole incident. This has happened to me so many times, yet it is magical each and every time!
Also, by owning your feelings, your own your power too! Your feelings have immense amounts of energy in them. If you hold someone accountable for your feelings you send that energy “out there” and you no longer have control over it. If you do this enough times you will de-energize your system and feel like people are sucking your energy or somehow attacking you energetically etc.
Own your feelings first, always… you will be a LOT happier if you do!